A mother uses art as a passage through grief

By Guest

Submitted by Francie Minder

The first years after my 15-year-old daughter, Chava, died of cancer, I was walking around in a fog. Each day was painful as the initial shock and disbelief faded, letting reality sink in. My world had been turned upside down. Eventually I could go through the steps of everyday life, but the extreme loss was with me every second of every day.

Tear Drop Puzzle Pieces

Slowly, very slowly, I began to let in the small wonders of life around me — to stop in awe as I watched the crocuses bloom and daffodils burst forth in sunshine colors of yellows and oranges. I was able to carry Chava’s memory in my heart and gradually let the wall around my heart begin to soften.

My identity as a person and as a mother has changed forever. I can no longer take life for granted. I know the frailty of life, but I can no longer cocoon myself in a safe bubble. Living life with meaning and purpose is paramount.

Chava left us with words from her journal, which she wrote in the first six months of her illness: “Take your time to look, to see, to smell, to feel the beauty of this world.”

One of the gifts that has helped me through the grieving process has been to create a series of quilted wall hangings. I had been a potter for many years and had taken basic sewing classes when I was young, but I knew nothing of quilting — and I certainly didn’t see myself as an artist. But one day, while I was on a walk, I got the inspiration to make a quilt in Chava’s memory.

When I got home I started sketching. I just dove into the process, getting lost in shapes, color and texture. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going, but I was driven by an unexplainable energy. Step by step over a year’s period of time, I created a six-foot mandala-shaped quilt of many shades of purple and blues and lace-framed pictures of Chava with our family, cousins and friends. The quilt now hangs in the school that was Chava’s second home. Chava’s memory lives on for those who knew her, and the quilt tells her story for those who ponder it every day.

This second quilt, called “Tear Drop Puzzle Pieces,” depicts how our family has been torn apart by Chava’s death. It also shows how gradually the four of us, each as pieces of the puzzle, began to heal individually and go through a metamorphosis, which allows all five pieces to fit back together as a recreated family puzzle.

For me, using the art process to help me heal has been an invaluable gift. I wanted to share that with others in hopes that it would also help them. After my first six-week class, my student said to me, “You know, Francie, this is much more than just a sewing class.”

We had spent many meaningful hours together sharing our stories while our hands stitched and pinned fabric. We shared tears, laughter, happiness, and sadness. It was as if in our creating we were able to express ourselves freely, knowing our thoughts were safe with each other. Stitch by stitch in quiet and in words, our memories were woven into the space between us and in the piece we were creating. Our threads connected us, making us less lonely.

By acknowledging our loss and giving a voice to our grief through our words and our hands, we become more trusting and hopeful. Hopeful that our memories would live on and hopeful that we could begin to appreciate the world around us. As springtime bursts forth in its splendor of color, as the daffodils begin to sprout and shout their colors, we too can feel the safety and warmth of the soil and allow our new selves to open up and begin to swim in the river of life.

With my two friends Pam Abrams Warnick and Beth McNeil, we have founded a non-profit organization called The Memory Room. Our dream is to help others who have experienced this extreme loss — to support each other so the journey is less lonely.

Please visit us on Facebook (The Memory Room … nurturing families after the loss of a child) or call 339-237-8068 to visit us at our center. Registration for spring classes and discussion groups is in process. Sessions will begin the first week in May. We warmly welcome all members of the family — parents, siblings, grandparents, and friends — to join us as we take this journey together.

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