Canton Writes 2023: How Do I Stop Panic Attacks?

The Canton Citizen, a sponsor of the annual Canton Writes contest, will once again publish the winning entries as space permits. The selection below, by Jaden Lam, was the winning entry in the high school nonfiction category.

Question: How Do I Stop Panic Attacks?

By Jaden Lam

Jackson: I noticed all of your photos disappeared off your feed. Why?

Me: [bluntly] I archived them.

Jackson: Why? I liked the photos of you and Skyler.

Me: [lies] I don’t know. I just felt like it…

Me: I’ll bring them back.

As my brother’s friend rejoiced over the memories of my family’s vacations returning to my feed, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of guilt devouring my helpless soul.

If I’m being completely and totally honest with myself, I archived the photos out of insecurity. I despise looking at pictures of myself because I’m chubbier than the idealized weight and one of my eyes is disproportionate to the other, my right eye having multiple more creases than my left eye. I try to minimize my social media use for this specific reason. I don’t enjoy seeing myself on camera, despite my parents’ demands to take thousands of photographs on our week-long vacations.

A few months later, on a rare occasion, I found myself scrolling through Instagram, clicking the red heart button on the thoroughly contrived photos of my peers. I stared intently at the passing pictures of my former close friends, hanging out in the late-autumn Boston air all bundled up in their warm puffy vests and jackets, yet still looking sleek in them. As I scrolled deeper and deeper into my feed, I began to compare my posts to theirs. I clicked on the circular button to take me to my account’s profile. I glanced at the restored posts, which were also my most recent posts. They were all from elementary school and middle school, the last update at least over a year ago.

As I insisted on scrutinizing my pictures, I felt my breath start to hitch, my lungs felt as if they forgot how to cycle in and out air at a steady rate. I started gasping for air as if I was trapped underwater for a few minutes. Tears trickled slowly down my burning cheeks. I tried to restrain the sob, in case I alarmed any of my parents. I’m used to this restraint. My heart began palpitating, skipping multiple beats. My palms covered themselves with pools of sweat. It felt like I was no longer in control of my own body, as if I was watching everything from a third-person point of view and through the lens of an outsider.

Through my blurry eyesight, I reached for my iPad, opened Spotify and typed “Answer: Love Myself” into the search bar. As the atmospheric instrumental, light strumming, soft drums, and delicate vocals began, I felt my clamorous breathing slowly returning back to normal. My heart no longer felt as if a million little kids were using it as a punching bag. It was when the chorus reached the explosive “You’ve shown me I have reasons I can love myself” that I was able to halt the waterworks and my shoulders started to loosen. When the song concluded, it finally felt like I was the operator of my own body again.

Yes, I have that beauty. Knowing that is going on the path to loving myself. It’s what I need the most.

Short URL: https://www.thecantoncitizen.com/?p=114787

Posted by Guest on Jun 23 2023. Filed under Uncategorized. Both comments and pings are currently closed.