As You Like It: Sorry, did I wake you?

I have a cold, so it’s been a miserable week. For me the worst part of a cold isn’t the stuffy nose or hacking cough, attractive though they might be; it’s the fact that I can’t sleep at night.

Over the years I’ve developed my own regimen for getting through a cold. At night I slurp cough medicine as if it were fine wine and spray some vile stuff in my nose in an attempt to breathe.

But during the day I rely on what I call my little red pills, aka decongestants. They’re the reason for the sleepless nights — when it says “non-drowsy” on the package it means that you can kiss a good night’s sleep goodbye.

Steve thought he would relieve my sleepy crankiness by giving me the National Sleep Foundation’s list of 25 Random Facts About Sleep to ponder. He should have known better. When I’m sleep deprived I find fault even with Hamlet. (Did Shakespeare really have to kill off everyone on stage for heaven’s sake?!) But magnanimous person that I am I will share with you some of these cheery thoughts. Maybe they’ll put you to sleep.

Man is the only mammal that willingly delays sleep.

Ain’t that the truth? How many times have I been in bed, half asleep, and yet still read one more chapter or watched the end of some ridiculous TV show, or worse, watched some movie that I’ve already seen 20 times?

Or decided not to indulge in a nap because there’s some housework to do or someone to call, or yet another list to make.

 If I had any brains I would enroll in Snoopy’s home-study program on how to successfully nap through a day. His doggy highness arises in the morning, has a breakfast nosh, barks at a few squirrels, then settles down for his midmorning snooze. Afterwards he goes for his walk then sleeps until dinner. After dinner he takes his pre-sleep nap, from which I have to wake him so that he can go out before he sleeps through the night. The dog never met a nap he didn’t take. Delay is not in his vocabulary.

We naturally feel tired at two different times of the day: 2 a.m. and 2 p.m.

Okay, I’ll buy the 2 p.m. slump because I personally find myself face-down in a cup of coffee each day at precisely that time, but 2 a.m.? Most people are asleep at 2 so, yes, I would say that asleep equals naturally tired. And if I’m up at 2 when I should be asleep, of course I’m tired and in a very bad mood. Am I missing something here?

Newborns sleep a total of 10.5 to 18 hours a day on an irregular schedule with periods of one to three hours spent awake.

That fact is in direct correlation with this one:

A new baby typically results in 400-750 hours lost sleep for parents in the first year.

However, new parents with babies who sleep 18 hours a day usually get plenty of sleep except, and this is very important, if the kid is getting those 18 hours during the day and boogieing at night. Now if, like me, you are lucky enough to hit the jackpot with kids who sleep only two hours the entire day or night, sleep deprivation becomes an art.

Okay, so it only seemed like Lisa and Mariel slept two hours; in reality they probably slept at least four hours. My kids were born with their eyes wide open and refused to shut them until they were 15. As a result of this I can vouch for the next fun fact:

According to a 2008 Sleep in America poll, 36 percent of Americans drive drowsy or fall asleep while driving.

I used to pull up to a red light and tell myself that I had plenty of time to catch a nap; no one would know and I would get a whole three minutes of uninterrupted rest. When you’re in sleep deprivation la-la-land you’ll believe anything you tell yourself.

One of the primary causes of excessive sleepiness among Americans is self-imposed sleep deprivation. Which I believe is tied to: Experts say one of the most alluring sleep distractions is the 24-hour accessibility of the internet.

In other words, get off the computer, or phone, and stop tweeting, texting and twaddling. Just go to sleep you idiot! And while you’re at it sign up for Snoopy’s workshop.

Snoring is the primary cause of sleep disruption for 90 million American adults; 37 million on a regular basis.

And if it’s anything like my house those numbers include both the snorer and the snoree who, on a regular basis when woken up, will whack the snorer up the side of the head.

And the final quote that I need to do more research on:

According to the results of the 2008 Sleep in America poll, 34 percent of respondents reported their employer allowed them to nap during breaks and 16 percent provided a place to do so.

Where on God’s good Earth are these enlightened employers and where do I find them?

 On second thought, they probably do not want their names publicized since every sleep junkie in America will be pounding on their doors begging to be hired.

And I, for one, would bring my pillow.

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Posted by Joan Florek Schottenfeld on Mar 4 2010. Filed under As You Like It, Opinion. Both comments and pings are currently closed.